So excited that I could go crawl under a rock. Can you relate? Have you ever felt so completely sure and so unsure all at once? I know, in my rational mind, that what I am doing is the right thing but the impending change is scary.

In about 10 days, I am moving my studio. I haven't packed a thing and I don't even have empty boxes to fill. I might be in denial. I did, however, take my newly signed lease over to my new landlord today. They will be starting on my build out in the next day or so. They will be opening up the left wall into the space next door to create my completed space, putting in a dressing room and a dividing wall. My mind is in a near panic wondering if my build out plans are well conceived and if I'll be able to make the space my own. This afternoon I sat alone in my empty space trying to imagine my things there.

Instead of reveling in the possibilities of it all, I found myself obsessing about the small imperfections. I kept imagining my clients not liking my new space, my stuff not fitting and a host of other fears. Underneath it all, I know there is joy and excitement. It's like the sound my kids make, loudly whispering to each other at bedtime thinking we can't hear them - tiny breathy murmurs.

The hopeful and excited part of me is looking out the door into a building filled with creatives. Will I really find the community I am looking for? Will I be accepted? Is this the beginning of something really special? Then, in a flash, my nervous mind flips over to..."will my couch fit in the door?". To be honest, it's way easier to obsess about my couch fitting in the door than it is to wonder if I am making the right decision.

Perhaps it's a good luck sign, or maybe just a message from one construction worker to another but I did find this on my wall.

I was talking on the phone to a friend of mine the other day and trying to find words to express how I've been feeling lately. I threw out words like tender, nervous, happy, present...to which she replied (something like), I think you are right in the middle of the big unraveling. It's a good word for right now. My heart does feel a little like a ball of yarn that just rolled out of someone's lap. All it needed was one little push or moment of imbalance and, before you know it, it's all the way across the room. Try as I might, I don't think it'll ever get rolled up quite as neat as it was before. To be honest, I hope it doesn't. 

What's amazing about this unraveling, though, is that in a strange way, everything feels more together. All the change that I have initiated in the last few weeks seems to be okay. The pieces are falling back in place in amazing new ways. Connections that weren't there before are appearing. I'm feeling really hopeful.

7 years ago my oldest son, Sayer, was born. My business was born shortly after he was. It was very humble beginnings and it makes me smile when I think about it now. The only pieces of equipment that I owned were my medium format film camera and the 35 mm film camera that I got when I graduated from high school. I didn't own any lights and it had been about 10 years since I took a class in lighting. To be honest, I was ill prepared. I took one marketing class in college and still have to carry my 1's when doing simple math. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I did have heart, determination and a magnificent little baby boy to photograph. And so it began, slowly and surely in my living room. I scheduled sessions while Sayer napped (crossing my fingers that he would go down on time and stay down). I rented lights from a local equipment place until I could afford my own set. Every time I had a session I had to clear out all of Sayer's toys and make our house look clean and perfect. It was stressful but it was also really exciting. I think my excitement was contagious and I started to get busy.

By the time Finnian was born I had my first studio and my business was doubling each year. I still remember shooting a session two weeks after Finn was born with him strapped to me asleep in a sling. I started to get better at the business side too. Then in a blur it was a bigger studio, employees, better equipment, numbers to analyze and financial goals.

Fast forward to now...

I have begin to realize that the bigger my business gets the less I like it. It's not the work itself that is an issue. The problems arise when I get detached from the details (and it's all about the details by the way). Things fall through the cracks and the relationships suffer.  What I love most about my work is the relationships that I have with the people that I photograph. That's where the magic is. So where does that leave me?

I have decided to go back to the basics and run my show on my own. I am not going to have an assistant in between me and my clients.  I'll find some help here and there but nothing that jeopardizes the relationships. I will have to shoot less but the people that I photograph and I will enjoy it more. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous but I'm also excited (again). This is definitely turning out to be the year of new beginnings and change. I started to write "wish me luck!" but, no, I don't need that. I have everything that I really need to make this work. All I need is my honest, true, present self and people who will let me photograph them. It's a new day. I feel better already and it's only just begun.