I will admit it freely...I have serious working Mom guilt. In my mind, whether or not it's rational, I imagine that my kids would be happier, better rested and generally more well balanced if I stayed home with them. I can't shake that ridiculous idea despite the fact that I know it's wrong. Their Montessori teachers work really hard everyday to show me how false my notion is. Even when they come home (at age 4) with little drawings of the sun and all its layers, pin-pricked renderings of dinosaurs and a working knowledge of the main organs of the body, I still feel like I shouldn't be working. By the way, even after 2 kids going through Ms. Amy's room 8 and doing diagrams of the sun, I still couldn't tell you the various layers. So why the guilt? It's obvious how much school benefits them. Why punish myself? To be honest, I don't know. All I know is that every Mom that I know feels it regardless whether they work in or out of the home.

For the last 3 days, Sayer has been home sick with strep throat. He actually got sent home from school on Monday for a different reason and then had a fever, which turned out to be strep throat. Sick days are a blessing and a curse for me. I love the one-on-one time with my guys but, because it comes without notice, I hate the stress that comes from missing work. I feel like I'm instantly behind. I did try to stay caught up. I brought my laptop home and it sat beside me while I snuggled with Sayer watching the Olympics and Tivo'd episodes of Crashbox and I Spy. Instead of working, we browsed YouTube for funny videos of pets. It's just too impossible for me to sit beside him and focus on work.

For a moment, I imagine that this is what it would be like if I stayed home. He'd sleep late and be well rested. We'd just hang out all the time and love every minute of it. In fact, he wouldn't have even gotten sick in the first place because we'd be at home! If I stayed home, he'd only eat homemade, organic food and...This is where it starts to fall apart because he's about to be 7 and is in first grade so it's not like he can just stay home all day anyway and I'm not a very good cook and he'd be bored to tears. So, Moms, why do we do this to ourselves? When I did stay at home (right after Sayer was born) I worried equally but about different things. It's a guilt-worry that I want to shake. I don't want to rob my work time of its joy and pleasure by thinking that my kids are paying the price for it and I don't want to be at home with my guys worrying that work will pay the price. So where is the middle?

All I know is that being a Mom has brought out the very best parts of me. I speak only for myself when I say that I couldn't do the work that I do without my experience of being a Mom. The Mom part of me is vital to my work behind the camera. So, unexpected sick days, as much as I dread you, I also thank you. You pop up out of nowhere and remind me what matters the most and why I do everything that I do. Someday my little guys will be able to administer their own Ibuprofen, pick out their own clothes, feed themselves (and so much more) and not need me quite as much as they do now. The thought just makes me want to hold on tighter...

On this Love Thursday, my heart goes out to all the Moms and Dads out there in the trenches trying to find, reconcile and celebrate their place. We're all in this together.