It has officially started...the teasing, cliques, clubs, and the awful beginnings of who's cool and who's not. Does it shock you you when I say it is happening to my 6 year old? I think I might be naive but it does shock me a little. Sure, I remember it. Worse yet, I remember doing it (sad to say). It wasn't easy going through it myself but it's a hell of a lot harder to watch someone that I love so deeply go through it.

It started this year when Sayer was refused entry to a club made up of some of his friends. The self-appointed leader had decided that Sayer was not allowed in the club because he "is annoying". He told me about it and his Dad and I gave the first blush response of "Well, why would you want to be a part of that club anyway?". I know...not hugely helpful because, of course, he wants to be in the club. His response was just that, "Well, all of my friends are in it". This has been going on for the better part of the school year in waves. It seems to get ugly and then get better. We try and find 6 year old friendly ways to explain why someone would exclude someone else and how to stand up to mean comments.

Fast forward to one day after school a few weeks ago...Sayer and I were leaving a school event and walking to the car. He sees this other boy in his class and yells out (in a friendly, upbeat voice too) "hey, [boy's name], you know you should try wearing perfume!" I was mortified! I interrupted him midway through perfume because I could see where it was going and I was hoping the little boy didn't hear it. God, I hope he didn't hear it. My stomach just caved in. Sayer was all confused by my interruption and I just told him not to say another word and I'd explain in a minute when we were further away. I called out something jovial to the boy and his Dad (hoping that he hadn't heard either) and walked on. When we got out of earshot, I tried to explain to Sayer that what he said was teasing and would have / might have really hurt the boy's feelings. He looked up at me, wide-eyed and uncomfortable and said, "but he does smell weird". I told him that I knew that he was not intentionally trying to be hurtful or mean but that a comment like that, regardless if it is true, is the kind of thing that would make someone feel really sad. He got really upset after that. 

Now, fast forward again to last weekend when we went to see the movie, Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I had not read the books but Sayer loves them and his Dad had read some of them to him. I didn't really know what I was getting myself in to. The movie was funny at times and, sadly, very honest about what middle school teasing can be like. It made me really uncomfortable. I hated the lead character. I squirmed in my seat for half the movie wishing that Sayer wasn't watching kids be so mean. I thought about leaving but that would not have gone over well and he has already read the books anyway.

After the movie we talked the whole way home about the characters and the message of the movie. We spent a lot of time talking about the main character and why he was such a bad friend in the movie. Eventually the conversation came around to the idea that a lot of the time the things that someone gets teased for are things that they can't change or control (and, frankly, shouldn't have to). This lead us back to the boy at school. Sayer starts to explain how he "smells weird" and, as we talk, it comes out that his Dad drives him to school and smokes in the car the whole way. So, did your heart just break a little? I know mine did when I heard it. This poor little boy is being left out and teased for something he has no control over whatsoever and may not even really understand. His parents probably have no idea that what they are doing is causing him to be teased. It makes me so sad to think about it.

And there it sits for me...it's just the beginning of years of struggle. I'm going to have to watch them get hurt, fumble, and be rejected. It makes me remember the things that were said to me that, to this day, echo around in my head. Does it have to be so hard? Do we have to be so mean to each other?

So, today, I am sending this out to you, me and my kids...you are enough, you are strong, you are loved. Pass it on...

I will admit it freely...I have serious working Mom guilt. In my mind, whether or not it's rational, I imagine that my kids would be happier, better rested and generally more well balanced if I stayed home with them. I can't shake that ridiculous idea despite the fact that I know it's wrong. Their Montessori teachers work really hard everyday to show me how false my notion is. Even when they come home (at age 4) with little drawings of the sun and all its layers, pin-pricked renderings of dinosaurs and a working knowledge of the main organs of the body, I still feel like I shouldn't be working. By the way, even after 2 kids going through Ms. Amy's room 8 and doing diagrams of the sun, I still couldn't tell you the various layers. So why the guilt? It's obvious how much school benefits them. Why punish myself? To be honest, I don't know. All I know is that every Mom that I know feels it regardless whether they work in or out of the home.

For the last 3 days, Sayer has been home sick with strep throat. He actually got sent home from school on Monday for a different reason and then had a fever, which turned out to be strep throat. Sick days are a blessing and a curse for me. I love the one-on-one time with my guys but, because it comes without notice, I hate the stress that comes from missing work. I feel like I'm instantly behind. I did try to stay caught up. I brought my laptop home and it sat beside me while I snuggled with Sayer watching the Olympics and Tivo'd episodes of Crashbox and I Spy. Instead of working, we browsed YouTube for funny videos of pets. It's just too impossible for me to sit beside him and focus on work.

For a moment, I imagine that this is what it would be like if I stayed home. He'd sleep late and be well rested. We'd just hang out all the time and love every minute of it. In fact, he wouldn't have even gotten sick in the first place because we'd be at home! If I stayed home, he'd only eat homemade, organic food and...This is where it starts to fall apart because he's about to be 7 and is in first grade so it's not like he can just stay home all day anyway and I'm not a very good cook and he'd be bored to tears. So, Moms, why do we do this to ourselves? When I did stay at home (right after Sayer was born) I worried equally but about different things. It's a guilt-worry that I want to shake. I don't want to rob my work time of its joy and pleasure by thinking that my kids are paying the price for it and I don't want to be at home with my guys worrying that work will pay the price. So where is the middle?

All I know is that being a Mom has brought out the very best parts of me. I speak only for myself when I say that I couldn't do the work that I do without my experience of being a Mom. The Mom part of me is vital to my work behind the camera. So, unexpected sick days, as much as I dread you, I also thank you. You pop up out of nowhere and remind me what matters the most and why I do everything that I do. Someday my little guys will be able to administer their own Ibuprofen, pick out their own clothes, feed themselves (and so much more) and not need me quite as much as they do now. The thought just makes me want to hold on tighter...

On this Love Thursday, my heart goes out to all the Moms and Dads out there in the trenches trying to find, reconcile and celebrate their place. We're all in this together.

The past 2 weeks have brought me a lot of newborn babies. It seems to be what I am shooting most this month and I love it. Newborns sessions are one of my absolute favorites. It just never ceases to amaze me that we start out so small and so helpless. I also love watching my clients navigate their way through those first few weeks of a first baby. In watching them move through the big changes, it helps me remember it too, and I do, pretty vividly. I remember being too scared to cut their fingernails and taking forever trying to dress them without making them mad. I remember the bleary eyed feeling of not enough sleep and too many questions. How hard it was trying to figure out how much to let them cry, when to step in and how much they should be sleeping, eating or pooping. I read every book I could find searching for the feeling of competency that only comes with time and doing. Then just as soon as you think you have it figured out they go and change it up and start doing something new. It definitely keeps you on your toes.

One of the best pieces of advice that I ever got was not to get too wound up about any one thing because as soon as you get that one figured out, it will change on you again. That advice helped me through some tough times because it proved true, time and time again. Now my babies are no longer little babies and starting to become big boys. In fact, Finnian will be 5 in a few weeks. You might think that, once they get a little older, you stop worrying about sleeping, eating and even pooping but it doesn't work that way. In fact, I woke up at 4:45 this morning to Finnian crawling into my bed.

The worries never go away but instead they ramp up and become about things like worrying about learning, school, testing, friends and fitting in. It's so much harder when their little hearts on the line. Sayer came to me just yesterday and told me about someone at school who had hurt his feelings. That's hard stuff because you can't just fix it with a diaper change, a call to the pediatrician or a fresh bottle. I guess it's not quite accurate to call one harder than another because it's all relative and "hard" never stops but, like the advice I received back then, just changes from one thing to another.

All I can offer from my vantage point (almost 7 years into it and a long way to go) is to breathe it all in and really try to be in the moment. 5 (6,7,8...) pounds only lasts for so long. You'll turn around and the next thing you know they're walking, and then running and then...

Happy Love Thursday friends, go grab your babies and hold them close!

We have some property about an hour and a half from our house. Right now it is just a beautiful piece of property without a house but Steven has been hard at work planning a future house. A few weeks ago, on a perfectly beautiful cloudy day, we stomped around "the farm" (as we call it despite the fact that there are no animals there) and tried to pick the perfect spot for the future house. We even picked a spot for the boy's future treehouse too. The house will look out onto this pond.

Sayer shares my love for hoodies but, unlike me, the hood always has to be up and it has to be completely zipped up too.

Picking the perfect spot...

One of the boys' favorite things to do is tackle their Daddy.

A little collage from the day.

So, what about you? What is in your heart on this Love Thursday?