Today is a dark day. I'm not sure if those sorts of days happen to you but I imagine they do, at least to some of you. Today I feel tired, anxious and frustrated. Everywhere I look I see the long lists of things I need to do. I feel frantic. The house is messy and I have too much laundry. Today when I see awesome things happening to people, I feel left out. Normally, I would be joyous and love seeing people's happy news. This makes me feel worse because then I feel like I'm being selfish because people are truly suffering in the world and who am I (so insanely blessed) to be moping about feeling like this. It's embarrassing to be (at least momentarily) so ungrateful.
I am no longer seeing the forest but only a few trees. I know this day will pass, thankfully. Maybe I'm just tired and worn out? I was sick all last week and it's been exhausting. Maybe it's hormonal or maybe I just need a hot bath. Maybe I'm feeling vulnerable about the last rounds of proofs on my upcoming book? Who knows...
As it happens with these sorts of things, the universe sent me a message. It was via my sister-in-law who posted a video on Facebook of Tom Waits (one of my idols) reading a poem by Bukowski, called The Laughing Heart. In case you are having a crappy day (or week, or month or year for that matter), I thought I'd share it with you. I love it. I'm inspired by it.
I'm thinking of people that I know who suffer with depression and I'm sending love out to them with this post. This is just a bad day for me and, while they may come now and again, they don't debilitate me long term. To my friends Samantha and David who left me too early because of depression. To Jenny who makes me laugh out loud at least a few times per week. She has been very vocal on her blog about her struggle with depression and it has been such an amazing inspiration for so many. Like this poem, Jenny inspires me. And to you, if you also need some love tonight.
The Laughing Heart
by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
Now, it's time to go curl up in bed, get some much needed rest, ignore my pile of unread emails and stop being so hard on myself. The gods are waiting to delight in me tomorrow and I need to be ready.